April 13, 2009


Several people seem to feel that they know how I am doing on an emotional level. I think rather than let them draw their own conclusions, perhaps they'd like to go to the source.

As I've said before, I've never felt so wrongfully accused and judged in my life. And the sad part is that it is by people who do not want or care to know the reasons for my decision- they want only to believe what they want to believe and by cutting me down it somehow makes them feel better. No good, sane person would leave the Church, right? But while the social aspect of this is very difficult, at the same time I feel huge relief. I am finally at the point where I don't have to try to force the doctrines of the Church I find fundamentally wrong to fit with my belief in God.

For example, I believe in a loving, merciful God. Knowing that the doctrines of the Church were made by man instead of God makes it so much easier to love God. Now I don't have to wonder why God would so unjustly deny blessing to a people because of their skin color. Now I don't have to wonder why a just God would threaten teenage girls with familial damnation if they refused to marry men more than twice their age in order to become a plural wife. Now I don't have to wonder why God's church would cause so much suffering in His followers. It's because it was not God's making - it was men who claimed to be His instruments. It was men whose aims fell far short of the salvation of humankind. It was men who were overcome by lust, detracted by racism, captivated by power, in love with their own legacies.

I feel as if I am free to know God and His purpose for me as He dictates: not as an organization demands when really looking out only for its own survival.

Some assume that I must be miserable or wallowing in bitterness. On the contrary, I am happier than I've ever been when members of the Church follow their 11th Article of Faith. I admit that those who are quick to judge and insult do offend me. I do not hate them. I feel sorry that they do not wish to let me live in peace. I wonder why they make their attacks. They certainly do not make me want to rethink my position. They certainly do not improve my feelings toward the Church. Is the motive love or charity? It certainly doesn't feel that way. Is it the right thing to do to try to deny me spiritual peace and religious freedom? The only reason I can see for it is that my questions and concerns have made them uncomfortable, and the only way they know how to deal with it is to cut me down. That's unfortunate for all of us.


Elder Joseph said...

Thanks for all your posts/articles. You words express very politely how I feel, though I couldn't communicate the same message/thoughts myself without anger manifesting itself, so I commend you for your calmness and kindness with what you are going through.

I wasn't brought up in the church. But two years of being an active investigator only to find I was effectively being 'duped' from the very beginning hasn't left me very happy.

I asked the right questions very early on and got fudged deceptive responses which misled me into continuing attending. Had I been told the correct and truthful answers early on then I could have saved myself alot of time and gone for the exit earlier.

What makes it worse is that some did know they brushing me off with a false answer(purposely not wanting to reveal 'Meat' before 'Milk'?).

I think I was sure it was a fraud after about 6 to 8 months but then I kept attending because I had many promises being made to me from whom I thought was a genuine friend in church.

In fact she promised she would never run away from me and that I should ask those hard questions and not be afraid? The idea being that she will research them and then strengthen her testimony?

So what happens to what I thought was a genuine and possible even an eternal friendship and maybe more when I asked queastions about :

1 The hat and stone translation? She freaked out! She NEVER heard of it?!?!? and 18 years as a member after being love bombed into it at age 19 by two US missionaries.

2 That God is a white skinned man? (including all the curse of Cain doctrines/teachings/opinions of the past and even present still amongst many members).

3 Joseph Smith marrying other mens wives and 14 year olds having told them their eternal welfare is at stake if they refuse?

4 Orson Pratt marrying polygamoulsy and conceiving with a 16 year old at age 57, and she was not his first 16 year old polygamous wife.The same pattern goes with many of those early LDS prominent Leaders.

5 Polygamous sealings still being carried out in the temples here and now.(Widowed Mormon men sealing their next earthly wife, expecting to call both or more out in the resurrection).LDS widowed women strictly forbidden to 'seal' any additional husbands in the same way.

6 That Mary had sexual relations with Elohim.Hence all the early LDS Apostolitic writings trying to reason she must have been married somehow to Mr Elohim prior to meeting her 'second' husband Joseph.

So what happens when I express concern at these things and try to explain why I'm struggling to join?


Most likley on the Priesthood Revelation of her Bishop who could not answer her enquiries as she did try to investigate and respond, convinced that I was mistaken.

I hope she now can escape this. She came on her mission with financial debts at age 35 after 16 years as a member. Her Branch President had prior STOLEN her lifes savings and also the members Tithes and Offerings and ended up in JAIL.

This is how she was blessed for following The Priesthood and being obedient all those years.

Ps She was blessed yet again after the mission with an'Illegal'job from a Temple Recommend Church Member Businessman (as far as I know from what little she would reveal to me).

I don't want these kind of blessings myself.

It's strange to me that she purposely avoided telling me the 'Mormon Priesthood' connection for all this misfortune in her life fearing I may not feel the fuzzy confirmation of the Spirit.

Eli said...

Response to Elder: Thank you for sharing your experience. While ours have not been the same, there are a lot of similarities. Thanks for having the courage to ask the hard questions when everyone around you gets rewarded for ignoring them. I wish you all the best in the future.