Several people seem to feel that they know how I am doing on an emotional level. I think rather than let them draw their own conclusions, perhaps they'd like to go to the source.
As I've said before, I've never felt so wrongfully accused and judged in my life. And the sad part is that it is by people who do not want or care to know the reasons for my decision- they want only to believe what they want to believe and by cutting me down it somehow makes them feel better. No good, sane person would leave the Church, right? But while the social aspect of this is very difficult, at the same time I feel huge relief. I am finally at the point where I don't have to try to force the doctrines of the Church I find fundamentally wrong to fit with my belief in God.
For example, I believe in a loving, merciful God. Knowing that the doctrines of the Church were made by man instead of God makes it so much easier to love God. Now I don't have to wonder why God would so unjustly deny blessing to a people because of their skin color. Now I don't have to wonder why a just God would threaten teenage girls with familial damnation if they refused to marry men more than twice their age in order to become a plural wife. Now I don't have to wonder why God's church would cause so much suffering in His followers. It's because it was not God's making - it was men who claimed to be His instruments. It was men whose aims fell far short of the salvation of humankind. It was men who were overcome by lust, detracted by racism, captivated by power, in love with their own legacies.
I feel as if I am free to know God and His purpose for me as He dictates: not as an organization demands when really looking out only for its own survival.
Some assume that I must be miserable or wallowing in bitterness. On the contrary, I am happier than I've ever been when members of the Church follow their 11th Article of Faith. I admit that those who are quick to judge and insult do offend me. I do not hate them. I feel sorry that they do not wish to let me live in peace. I wonder why they make their attacks. They certainly do not make me want to rethink my position. They certainly do not improve my feelings toward the Church. Is the motive love or charity? It certainly doesn't feel that way. Is it the right thing to do to try to deny me spiritual peace and religious freedom? The only reason I can see for it is that my questions and concerns have made them uncomfortable, and the only way they know how to deal with it is to cut me down. That's unfortunate for all of us.